too many words by laura lemay

Top ten HTML extensions that didn't make it into Netscape 0.9

(because they ran out of beer)

  1. <WIRED></WIRED> Renders the enclosed text in Sturm und Drang 374 Medium Bold Condensed, in light purple on a neon orange background. Tells you repeatedly how cool you are for using netscape.

  2. <ROACH>….</ROACH> When selected, the enclosed text runs and hides under the nearest window. OR, giggles a lot and demands nachos, depending on your definition of “roach.” (the formal definition, of course, to be determined by the Official Honorary Internet Standards Commitee For Moving Really Slowly.)

  3. <KILL_SGML> Should anyone foolish enough to think that HTML is still SGML and try and run a netscape-html document through an SGML editor, processor, or other tool, this tag causes an immediate core dump, erases anything on your disk with “DTD” in the name, and emails a randomly-selected insult to Tim Pierce.

  4. <PINHEAD></PINHEAD> Inserts “zippyisms” into the enclosed text. Perfect for those professional documents.

  5. <SECRET>….</SECRET> In order to read the enclosed text, you have to have secret spy decoder glasses (available direct from Netscape for a reasonable fee). You can also read it by holding your computer in front of a full moon during the autumn solstice.

  6. <HYPE> Causes Marc Andreesen to magically appear and grant you an interview (whether you want one or not). Please use this tag sparingly.

  7. <PEEK>….</PEEK>
  8. <POKE></POKE> So you want more control over screen layout in HTML? Well, here ya go.

  9. <YOGSOTHOTH> Summons the elder gods to suck away your immortal soul. Or Bill Gates, if the elder gods are busy. Unpredictable (but amusing) results occur when the <YOGSOTHOTH> and <HYPE> tags are used in close proximity.

  10. <BLINK></BLINK> Causes the enclosed text to….ooops, that one made it in.